For this section, Doctor Laurel Clannison, the head Physician of the MLHA - the MidLife Health Association - will take the wheel. She's a bundle of energy eager to show you the ropes of your new body!Without further adieu... here's Miss Clannison!
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| Doctor Clannison radiates with positivity. |
Thank you for the introduction, Charon. Not that I asked for it.
Like Skeletor said, I've been a Physician since before I passed... long as it pays, I stay. Thanks to seniority, most of my job these days consists of writing worthless articles in crappy textbooks... sort of like this little pamphlet. Needless to say - I've been over this garbage one too many times.
Why they can't just reprint one of my old writings in this piece of junk... Hell if I know. Sometimes I think I'm the only one with half a brain left in this place. I blame Television.
In this article, I will properly educate you on the basics of your newly deceased body - How it will change, how you can adapt to these changes, and whatever else I happen to spurt out. Sit down and listen, cause I ain't writin' this malarkey ever again.
...Unless they've got the right cash.
DECOMPOSITION
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| An informational graphic on facial decomposition. |
MidLivvian decomposition closely paralells, but does not perfectly align to Earthly decomposition - meaning, your MidLife body won't fall apart the same way your Earthly one will. Don't worry, Crematees, you'll be more than dust.
Decomposition will not notably begin until about a week after interment; early stages will lead to very little difference in bodily appearance and function. Any remaining blood will dry into the body, attracting Plague Doctors (See "Demons - What You Need To Know" for more details) and druggies alike.
In time, the skin and muscle layers will loosen, falling off of the body in patches; kind of like soggy Frosted Flakes. Yuck. Because all nerve endings cease function upon death, this is a painless occurrence. Some call this process "Second Puberty", since it's pretty damn unbearable, uncomfortable, and all-around abnormal. If you thought gettin' hairy was tough, get ready to look like Leatherface for a month.
Though products exist to speed up or slow down this process, It is recommended that one allows the process to occur naturally, so as to preserve the delicate structure of the skeleton below. Face it, honey - you're gonna look weird, gross, and downright ugly. Suck it up.
As your body finishes up "Closing Time", your organs should be disposed of, as they are of no use to you, or to MidLife. Despite this, however, your key senses will still function. How do they remain functional...? Hell if I know.
Decomposition flatlines after these changes. Beyond this point, any further decomposition will be minor, and easily repaired. A bone lost here, an eyeball dropped there - either order some replacements from a Medical Office, or
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| A Portrait of Mr. Paulsen, currently hung above Mr. Paulsen's fireplace. |
In this excerpt from Paulsen's autobiography "Chin Up", Paulsen details life without a body;
"...The first moments without my body were... surreal. It felt as if it were still beneath me - surrounding me. To realize that I was unable to see, hear, or move... [was like being] trapped in a cage. Even now, my limitations are jarring - though I've mastered Telepathy, I find great emptiness in that... I will never again control the body that was once so absolutely mine."
...I'm sure Paulie's six mansions, fifteen private Skyscrapers, and fleets of airborne Yachts are filling that empiness nicely.
FUNCTIONING
First and foremost, any of the Earthly body's natural functions and cycles are gone - breathing, blood circulation, blinking, blah, blah, blah... you get the picture. Ladies - you're off the hook. Rejoice.
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| "I been hit so many times, I don't feel ain't nothin' !" Says Kylie Krusher, professional Boxer. After continuing to boast further, she began to repeatedly punch herself for no apparent reason. |
Not that it matters - as I already said - that's no "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. You can still break - and being unable to move is worse than reeling from a bruise. I shouldn't have to tell you that an eternity spent as a conscious pile of chopped up guts is a fate worse than MidLife. Be smart... not everyone's rich enough to blow it off by buying another Limousine. Besides - you may be dead, but you're still Human. Your instincts have a bit of a vendetta against pain, and want to avoid it at all costs - because of that, you'll likely experience "phantom pains" when presented with an injury. It's all in that whacked-out head of yours - you're feeling nothing, but - in the name of survival - your mind chooses to believe you are.
Kind of like how I thought I loved my Husband for fifty-three years... until I realized I was feeling nothing - it was really just my mind choosing to have a full bank account.
Because you no longer have organs requiring phases of inactivity, that means you also no longer require sleep - however, it still serves as a nice little pick-me-up. Sleep is purely a commodity, and thought it is not needed in any significant way... who doesn't like a nap? I know I do.
Getting used to the fragility of a dead body can be difficult - what was once laughably easy may now be terribly difficult. Basically, imagine you're suddenly an elderly beggar - one with osteogenesis imperfecta, and a tendency to lose limbs altogether. You're frail, you're weak, and you'll tumble to pieces in the lightest of winds - kind of like my Husband, after he got fired, divorced, and removed from my Christmas Card list. It ain't fun.Sound strange? Inconvenient? Altogether absurd? It sure is, sweetie. Still, you'll get used to it - whether you like it, or not. On that note...
ADAPTATION
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| Sample Skin Suits |
Various types of Skin Suits exist, to varying degrees of ability.
The most common sort - the cheapest - are little more than rubber overlays. Ever wanted to know what it's like to be trapped in a Godzilla suit? Here's your chance.
As the price goes up, so does the quality. High-end lifelike offerings blur the line between life and death, allowing for simulated nerve endings, false sweat, implemented muscle simulators, and more.
Skin Suits are usually designed to follow your natural structure, thus emulating your true appearance. They can also be modified upon request... if you're too pansy to accept your looks. Shrimpy? Add some buff arms - we all know it's fake, but at least you'll get past that depression. Too pale? Opt for a tanned Suit - just get used to the nickname "Oscar Meyer". Need a bigger chest? Bigger? Bigger? No request is too absurd for a Skin Suit's designers - just have fun with that broken spine. There's plenty of models to choose from, plenty of features to adjust, and plenty of money to spend... Not that you'll get very creative - chances are you'll buy the same damn "pretty" model to fit in, just like every other newcomer.
Others choose to instead embrace their Skeletal form - an equally viable option. Though remaining skeletal means facing enhanced fragility, it is no more difficult than adapting to life in a Skin Suit. Worst part's gettin' used to how light you are - especially for you newbies who're used to eatin' fast food every ten minutes up on Earth. Sorry to ruin the mood. Bertha, but you ain't gonna taste much of that Double Cheese when your tongue serves about as well as your self control.
If you get all broken, MidLivvian Health Offices and Skin Suit companies sell replacements - some even offer upgrades - 20/20 Eyeballs, Non-Slip feet, spinal columns with USB charging ports... so on.
Some of us need to feel Human - so much so that we want to feel various biological processes as if they're occurring again. Many medicines and treatments offer "false sensations" and "false needs" without the use of a Skin Suit - making the MidLivvian body feel as though there is a pulse in it's chest, or that it must fall asleep. Why you'd want to feel like the fidgety, blood-filled meatbag you once were again...? Hell if I know.
In conclusion... you're in for a lot. These are just the basics, of course - the rest, eh, it's not a big deal... plus, I'm tired of typin' up this jargon. Already passed the word count six paragraphs ago, for God's sake.
If you've got further questions, head to a Medical Office. Be sure to ask for "anyone but Doctor Clannison"... The less you interact with me, the better. Have fun out there, you little...
* Editor's Note - Please disregard any illegal activities endorsed by Doctor Clannison.