You'll know who's speaking based on the appearance of the text; the beautiful Jenny's words will be in a 'normal typeface', while little Haniver's will be in 'bold'. Have at it, pals!
 |
| The Twins. |
I'm Jenny - - -
And I'm Haniver!
We're - - - wait...
Erm... I think we got ourselves mixed up... I'm Jenny, you're Haniver, right?
'S cause of the matchin' outfits, prolly.
Yeah... how do you backwards-space again...? Oh, forget it. Just restart.
Restart!
I'm Jenny, and he's Haniver; we're here to tell you about our specialty... Demons! There's plenty to know about these beings. Read on to learn what they are, how we identify them, how we catch them, and everything in-between!
WHAT ARE YOUR DUTIES?
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| "When I'm not capturing unholy abominations set out to destroy mankind, I'm collecting cheesy tee-shirts!" Beams Haniver. |
We are?!
These days, our prime directive remains the same - to keep MidLife safe from unruly Demonic activity, to monitor Demonic influence on Human life, and to oversee Demonic all trans-dimensional interactions.
Yep! We're like a spiritual police force - capturin rogue Demons, smackin' some law into 'em, and makin' sure it's God's way, or the Highway!
...I got that one off a shirt I found at the Thrift.
WHAT ARE DEMONS?
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| Ukobach, Hell's Janitor. |
So like you said, evil.
For example, Charon is a Demon; however, his humanoid appearance may have lead you to think otherwise. Han and I are both partially Demonic; it's how we're able to match the powerful creatures we monitor, while remaining 'stable' enough to serve our Human clients.
Yeah, it's wicked! We can make things float, possess people, read their heads... plus, we're great at Crosswords!
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| Xkathonor the Possessor. |
...Oops... Sorry! Since I'm part Human, sometimes Demons can get the best of me - looks like Xkathonor the Possessor had something to say. Pay him no mind - we were just taking him back to the Seventh story... where he belongs.
So, what exactly are Demons? Demons are creatures that were born from Hell - not of any specific biological parents, but instead as physical manifestations of Sin itself. Their main goal is to, in one way or another, impact Human life. Demons use everything from your surroundings, your interactions, and even your subconscious thoughts to pull you closer to their side. Then, if they've successfully lured you into Hell, their reward is your soul - a delicacy to the Demonic tongue.
Tastes like chicken!
Haniver.
HOW ARE DEMONS IDENTIFIED?
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| Torngarsuk, a large bear with a humanoid left arm; usually found fishing along MidLife's coasts. |
Haniver and I share a special ability that allows us to naturally differentiate between a Human and a Demon; think of it like one of your natural senses. You can recognize how something may feel without touching it, or visualize something's appearance without seeing it - likewise, we're wired to spot a Demon with 100% accuracy.
99% of the time.
Demons usually share a handful of traits; though not every feature listed below can be found on every Demon, the vast majority share them in some form.
The most common Demonic traits include...
- Monotone, pupil-less eyes
- Large, protruding horns
- Refusal to change the channel during commercials
- Exaggerated features/abilities (extreme strength, unusual anatomy, elongated body parts)
- Animal-like characteristics
- Dark, unruly hair
- Erratic attitudes
Personal identification as "Goth" or "Emo"*
Demons can be quite cunning - in recent years, they have learned to hide attributes that may give them away. If you suspect someone or something to be involved in Demonic interference (in this case, Possession or Disguise), report it immediately.
Never try and take on a Demon on your own - or with others.
That's our job - you try and do it, and you're double-dead meat... unless it's a double-dare. Then you've gotta.
Demons are usually extremely powerful in at least one aspect of their being, whether it be in physical strength, intelligence, or any other measurable trait. Humans, by design, cannot rival their abilities; like Han said, that's what we're here for.
If I already said it, why'd you repeat it?
Because I am reiterating.
I thought we weren't s'posed to say that word anymore...?
However, as previously mentioned, Demons are a race of beings; therefore, not every member of the race is as villainous as the next. Though Demons share a common goal in persuading Humans toward Sin, this is not always a considerably destructive or deplorable duty - in fact, it can even prove constructive. Once again, consider the likes of Charon; who's only truly Demonic ties are that which allow him immortality and trans-fatal migration. He's no danger to you or I.
Hee-hee - - - I love when he shoots the contestants outta cannons on Pendulum of Fortune, though! Pow!
Capturing a Demon is no easy task. It requires second-by-second, extra-sharp thinking, ideal physical fitness, and the ability to synchronize each individual thought with another half-Demon being... Something most typical Humans can't do. Needless to say, there's a reason Humans are unable to handle Demons by themselves.
Unless you're an old Catholic guy shakin' a stick at a bed. Then you're A-Okay.
Let's take Mr. Xkathonor as an example - when we caught word that he'd been sellin' fake DVDs on the street corners - a level 37 Demonic offense -
- Out of 38 total -
- we sabotaged his little operation. I possessed a couple of pedestrians and had 'em run off with one of his copies of "Count Assula 7".
Demons usually found within MidLife are usually extremely unintimidating; because they form a 'species' of Demon, their actions can be predicted, and therefore, they do not pose major threats to society. Knowing their tendencies, patterns, and purposes will keep you well-acclimated, and well-prepared.
Voxxors began spawning during the outbreak of the Black Death, a catastrophic pandemic that occurred during the mid-1300s. Taking advantage of Humanity's extremely gullible nature, they convinced European societies that they were Doctors; going as far as to create false documents explaining their distorted appearance as "costumes".
Put on a fancy hat - boom - you're Human.
In reality, they were Vampiric Demons - their long beaks perfect for pricking soft Human skin, while their "robed" bodies hid a pair of Bat-like wings with which they flew from Patient to Patient.
They started tellin' those Patients that bleeding out would get rid of their sickness - rumor spread fast, and next thing you know, everyone's spillin' blood. Clever.
The Doctors, of course, did nothing to help their patients - deceiving them into supplying a constant flow of blood.
As the plague died off, Plague-specific Doctors were no longer needed by the public; thus, the Doctors quickly drifted into MidLife. There, they became little more than mindless vermin - pestering those with even trace amounts of blood left in their bodies. Newcomers beware - Doctors will be extremely drawn to your fresh bodies.
They're like leathery Pigeons. You see 'em on power lines, sides of buildings, trapped inside Malls - yech. Hate 'em... especially when the car window's covered with their - - -
Moving on.
Succubi and Incubi are, essentially, Demons intending to seduce men and women using an idealized form of beauty. They have no physical Demonic features, and are extremely hard to differentiate from a Human.
They once procreated with any and every gullible living Human, hoping to carry on their Demonic bloodline for all eternity. Being immortal, they planned to do so until their eventual domination of Earth - however, their similarly feeble minds get the best of them.
As time went on, they quickly realized just how much cash they could make off of their looks alone. Looking for fast turnarounds rather than long-term goals, they retreated to MidLife - drawn by it's... urban atmosphere.
Today, they are the leading cause of Sexually Transmitted Maggot infestations.
They're most often found hanging around seedy bars, apartment complexes, and wedding halls.
Unlike other entries in this section, Krampus is not a common form of Demon, but instead one individual being - a being almost half of the Human population has seen on a yearly basis. Despite common Earthly assertion that he is nothing more than a longstanding relic of folklore, he is, in fact, very real.
Ol' Krampy. If we'd ever lived, we'd have seen him a few times!
Krampus' duty is to enter Earth during the days following Christmas to briefly - but effectively - punish unruly children. Using a wide variety of powers, including reality shifting, possession, disguise, and more, he's a true Nightmare Before Christmas... except, y'know, a few days after. Not before.
Guy's a real piece of work, too. He's the kind or dude that'll screech at you if you interrupt his TV time - Guess that's what you get when your world revolves around spookin' kids.
...He's... worth avoiding. Not cause he's annoying - No - It's cause... cause he's so scary!
Nice save.
You know, Haniver, you could have just stayed home if you didn't want to add anything constructive to this article. You're not saying much but babble.
I'm your little brother. It's my obligation to make life difficult for you...!
Devils are most comparable to a typical animal - minding their own business and living peacefully among themselves, mindlessly hunting for food and resources. Unlike the similarly animalistic Doctors, however, Devils rarely interact with MidLife's population. Thanks to a significantly lesser intelligence, Devils can be trained to become notably amicable, to the point of sometimes becoming household pets.
I've got a pet Devil - - - her name's Cindy. Get it? Sin-dy? Sin? Devil? Sin?
I hate you so much.
Thank you!
Devils often look quite different from one another, coming in various shapes, sizes, and colors. In fact, the largest of these creatures became known as "Dragons" in Ancient societies. Despite their fierce appearances, they rarely cause significant issues, keeping to themselves unless provoked. Be warned - as is true with many Demons, civilized or not, their placid nature hides their immense power.
Alastores are Humanoid Demons known for their "natural" demeanor. Though it cannot speak, it typically acts no different than the average Human. It's grotesque-yet-recognizable appearance inspired the basis for many modern-day depictions of Demons - bald head, thin beard, pointy ears - the works.
Just my type!
These Demons make up much of the MidLivvian populace, due to their bodies functioning in the same fashion as Humans.
To wrap up our column, I feel it is best to answer one of our most received questions.
"Is this China Gate"?
No.
Well, who is it, then...?
It's - - - No, we're - - - Ugh. Before Haniver interrupts me again... Just what is Satan?
A handsome prince of sin? A vile beast of hideous proportions? A shadowy force unknown to man?
What is Satan?
Sorry to break it to all you bikers and rockers, but ...Nothing. Satan is nothing.
He - or, more accurately, It - is a swirling vortex of indescribable suffering. A never-ending torture beyond the physical or mental realm. A sullen husk of grace, forever lost. It foams at the mouth as tears roll from it's sunken eyes - choking on it's own throat as it's skull caves in upon itself. It cannot be pitied - it cannot be feared - it is so monumentally unimpressive, there isn't even a Gift Shop open next to it.
Unless you count the Tomato stand.
It is not a figure to be idolized. A caricature to be enamored with. An icon to identify. It is a vulnerable, measly, powerless weakling. It is nothing but an example of the humility one shall face against the hand of God.
In short... Satan's a █████ .
HOW DANGEROUS ARE DEMONS?
 |
| Leviathan, gargantuan aquatic beast. |
That's our job - you try and do it, and you're double-dead meat... unless it's a double-dare. Then you've gotta.
Demons are usually extremely powerful in at least one aspect of their being, whether it be in physical strength, intelligence, or any other measurable trait. Humans, by design, cannot rival their abilities; like Han said, that's what we're here for.
If I already said it, why'd you repeat it?
Because I am reiterating.
I thought we weren't s'posed to say that word anymore...?
However, as previously mentioned, Demons are a race of beings; therefore, not every member of the race is as villainous as the next. Though Demons share a common goal in persuading Humans toward Sin, this is not always a considerably destructive or deplorable duty - in fact, it can even prove constructive. Once again, consider the likes of Charon; who's only truly Demonic ties are that which allow him immortality and trans-fatal migration. He's no danger to you or I.
Hee-hee - - - I love when he shoots the contestants outta cannons on Pendulum of Fortune, though! Pow!
HOW DO YOU CAPTURE DEMONS?
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| Uvall, Dimensional traveller and Psychic. |
Unless you're an old Catholic guy shakin' a stick at a bed. Then you're A-Okay.
Han, being small and agile, does the majority of the physical work; chasing down and hunting our target, leading them to me.
I'm like a Sheepdog out there! Bark! Bark!
Because I'm much taller and have more body mass, I have the job of literally consuming the Demons he manages to corner; swallowing them up and holding them within myself until we return to Hell, where they are returned to their place of origin.
 |
| Evidence recovered from the crime scene. |
- Out of 38 total -
- we sabotaged his little operation. I possessed a couple of pedestrians and had 'em run off with one of his copies of "Count Assula 7".
Jus' like I wanted, he chased after 'em - it was crazy! Left, right, up, down - I think we even caused a couple car crashes! I lured him into an alleyway n' jumped up behind 'im - SURPRISE! - I grabbed onto his horns! Guy's a real fighter. Pretty macho, eh?
YOU ARE WEAK! NONE CAN STAND BEFORE ME! I SHALL RETu - - - r - - -
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| Another job well done! |
...Ahem... sorry.
Once Haniver had him subdued, I plopped him into my mouth, gulped hard, and the deal was done.
...Say, what happened to the pedestrians...?
Cops arrested 'em for robbery. Serves 'em right... street rats.
But... you...
Eh, there's only a fifty-or-so years sentence for stealing a DVD. I'm sure they've done something worth that jailtime. Don't get your sweater wrinkled.
WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON DEMONS?
Demons usually found within MidLife are usually extremely unintimidating; because they form a 'species' of Demon, their actions can be predicted, and therefore, they do not pose major threats to society. Knowing their tendencies, patterns, and purposes will keep you well-acclimated, and well-prepared.
PLAGUE DOCTORS (VOXXORS)
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| A Plague Doctor shrouded by its wings. |
Put on a fancy hat - boom - you're Human.
In reality, they were Vampiric Demons - their long beaks perfect for pricking soft Human skin, while their "robed" bodies hid a pair of Bat-like wings with which they flew from Patient to Patient.
They started tellin' those Patients that bleeding out would get rid of their sickness - rumor spread fast, and next thing you know, everyone's spillin' blood. Clever.
 |
| A hatless Doctor bares it's teeth, spreading both wings. |
As the plague died off, Plague-specific Doctors were no longer needed by the public; thus, the Doctors quickly drifted into MidLife. There, they became little more than mindless vermin - pestering those with even trace amounts of blood left in their bodies. Newcomers beware - Doctors will be extremely drawn to your fresh bodies.
They're like leathery Pigeons. You see 'em on power lines, sides of buildings, trapped inside Malls - yech. Hate 'em... especially when the car window's covered with their - - -
Moving on.
SUCCUBI/INCUBI
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| A typical Succubi. (Not pictured - mouthful of Cigarettes) |
Succubi and Incubi are, essentially, Demons intending to seduce men and women using an idealized form of beauty. They have no physical Demonic features, and are extremely hard to differentiate from a Human.
They once procreated with any and every gullible living Human, hoping to carry on their Demonic bloodline for all eternity. Being immortal, they planned to do so until their eventual domination of Earth - however, their similarly feeble minds get the best of them.
As time went on, they quickly realized just how much cash they could make off of their looks alone. Looking for fast turnarounds rather than long-term goals, they retreated to MidLife - drawn by it's... urban atmosphere.
Today, they are the leading cause of Sexually Transmitted Maggot infestations.
They're most often found hanging around seedy bars, apartment complexes, and wedding halls.
KRAMPUS
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| "It's not that I hate kids," Says Krampus, presenting a 'present' of his own creation. "I just can't stand 'em without a bit of lemon." |
Ol' Krampy. If we'd ever lived, we'd have seen him a few times!
Krampus' duty is to enter Earth during the days following Christmas to briefly - but effectively - punish unruly children. Using a wide variety of powers, including reality shifting, possession, disguise, and more, he's a true Nightmare Before Christmas... except, y'know, a few days after. Not before.
Guy's a real piece of work, too. He's the kind or dude that'll screech at you if you interrupt his TV time - Guess that's what you get when your world revolves around spookin' kids.
...He's... worth avoiding. Not cause he's annoying - No - It's cause... cause he's so scary!
Nice save.
You know, Haniver, you could have just stayed home if you didn't want to add anything constructive to this article. You're not saying much but babble.
I'm your little brother. It's my obligation to make life difficult for you...!
DEVILS
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| An airborne Devil spouting acidic saliva. |
I've got a pet Devil - - - her name's Cindy. Get it? Sin-dy? Sin? Devil? Sin?
I hate you so much.
Thank you!
Devils often look quite different from one another, coming in various shapes, sizes, and colors. In fact, the largest of these creatures became known as "Dragons" in Ancient societies. Despite their fierce appearances, they rarely cause significant issues, keeping to themselves unless provoked. Be warned - as is true with many Demons, civilized or not, their placid nature hides their immense power.
 |
| An Alastores. |
ALASTORES
Just my type!
These Demons make up much of the MidLivvian populace, due to their bodies functioning in the same fashion as Humans.
THE "SATAN QUESTION"
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| An artistic interperetation of Satan; also known as "Death's Biggest Letdown". |
To wrap up our column, I feel it is best to answer one of our most received questions.
"Is this China Gate"?
No.
Well, who is it, then...?
It's - - - No, we're - - - Ugh. Before Haniver interrupts me again... Just what is Satan?
A handsome prince of sin? A vile beast of hideous proportions? A shadowy force unknown to man?
What is Satan?
Sorry to break it to all you bikers and rockers, but ...Nothing. Satan is nothing.
He - or, more accurately, It - is a swirling vortex of indescribable suffering. A never-ending torture beyond the physical or mental realm. A sullen husk of grace, forever lost. It foams at the mouth as tears roll from it's sunken eyes - choking on it's own throat as it's skull caves in upon itself. It cannot be pitied - it cannot be feared - it is so monumentally unimpressive, there isn't even a Gift Shop open next to it.
Unless you count the Tomato stand.
It is not a figure to be idolized. A caricature to be enamored with. An icon to identify. It is a vulnerable, measly, powerless weakling. It is nothing but an example of the humility one shall face against the hand of God.
...That's the basics! If you or someone you know is experiencing harassment caused by a Demon, we're the people to call. We're available every day, every hour, every minute - constantly at the ready to defend Earth & MidLife from uncouth Demonic interference.
And remember - if you pay extra, we'll put you on the TOP of the waiting list!
Just SHUT UP, YOU RAT-FACED LITTLE - - -
- Oh, quit it, Xkathonor.
...That wasn't Xkathonor.
* Editor's Note - "Goth" or "Emo" individuals are no longer considered Demons.
However, it is still strongly recommended that these freaks are avoided at all costs. Especially if you don't want globs of eyeliner blowing onto your shirt.